Me and my soul

Me and my soul
We are teammates, aren't we
Am I playing with her
or is she playing with me ?
We're going sometimes to some events
Sensation White, or Black
Lady Gaga's concert
or the Rolling Stones' one
There is a very strange relationship
between me and her
She is sometimes deep inside me
in my mind or my heart
I never really know
where is she actually
I don't even know
whether it is she or he
or none of this
I love her, and hate
and I don't know
how does she look
and whether she can be seen at all
The priests say
I can never see her
in this earthly life
And that actually
it's not her but me
Should I believe them ?
Sometimes we are one
and sometimes anti-poles
Is there in this any God's design ?
Any God's touch ?
God's wish ?
Anything what's God's ?
When I run in the marathon
she is kilometers ahead of me
and when I sit before my TV
she is hidden somewhere deep inside me
Sometimes I can hold her in my hand
and play with her
turning her round
like a ping pong ball
but there are times
she is not only invisible
but also piercing me
with needles I can't see
and my whole body is on fire
as if deep in hell
I don't even know
what's for am I suffering
When I ask her about this
either she doesn't answer
or just flies away from me
to a wheezing breath of a jungle
somewhere at the end of the world
And how can I find her ?
No problem. She can find me
How many times it was
when I thought she left me
and I was lost and doomed
without one slight chance
to ever get to Him
through the heavens gate
How many games yet
she will do with me
How many puzzles yet
will I be through
Just because of her, my soul
Sometimes she is
so terribly boring
I go to kitchen
and she follows me
I go to toilet
and yes, she must follow me
Will I ever get a privacy ?
But when I need her
she is nowhere around
neither deep in my mind
in my heart or my body
I can't reach her
even if I shout so loud
people on the other end of street
can hear me
How strange is our relationship
it's nearly impossible
to describe
Sometimes we are great friends
riding a sport car alongside
rustling trees on the side of a road
We desire adventure
and we seek one in the nearby village
or on the other side of the globe
This world is though a global village
one can fly within hours
to any destinations
But my soul loves to
make fun of me
When I fly
she is dancing tango
of course, outside the plane
I know it because I feel it
I love her and I hate her
I don't mind what she's doing
there outside the plane
of she is dancing alone
in the clouds or with the clouds
or perhaps even with demons
Dance, dance crazy soul
It's your business
But then when I have her enough
I feel her on the seat next to me
she's laughing, enjoying herself
as usually I think
Is she just laughing
or laughing me off ?
How can I know it
Only she knows it for sure
And why I call her as ' her '
What if she is ' him '
For a moment I fall
into spasms of despair
It's not good not to know
There are times
when she let's herself
to be just a thing belonging to me
but how rare is this
There were times
when I asked myself
who is the master
me or my soul
but deep in myself I know
she is the master, she or he
whoever she is
The worst was altijd
when we had different friends
it felt as if my mind
and my entire body
were torn apart
And how many times
I was walking on thorns
just because of her making
Yet I wouldn't say
she isn't my friend
Sometimes at the most needy times
I do have her at my side
she is then my balsam
the one which brings life back to me
a sort of elixir of life
It was many times before
I asked myself
what should I do
How should I deal with my soul
Is she giving me what I like
what I want
Should I treat her
from a perspective
of a psycholog
of a psychiatrist
of a friend
or a stranger ?
No, certainly not of a stranger
I think she knew it all
because at such times
she didn't play games with me
she just stayed within me
and made it possible
at the same time
that I enjoyed life
and I was happy again
Someone played Mozart on a fortepiano
joined later by a whole philharmony
What a spectacle was it
How marvellous
All sounds were heard
accompanied by rays of light
felt and sometimes seen
thanks to the many shadows
displayed in all possible colours
I think my soul did something
what only she could manage to do
and it doesn't matter
whether it was real
or in my dreams
We stayed friends then
for some time, of course
because one day or night
the wheel of life, God's wheel
turned my life back to the usual route
the one of me and my soul
playing games with each other
once again
Me and my soul

" Me and my soul "
Copyright © Thaddeus Hutyra , April 10th, 2013

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